The Phantom Menace
by HoratiosBabyMama
Summary: A cowritten story between me and Mithostwen. Join the Knights characters as they replay your favorite Star Wars movies. -OnMajorHIATUS-
1. Chapter 1

**A new yet crazy idea for the Star Wars universe! Co-written with the amazing Mithostwen (alot of credit goes to her and her awesome writing skills)!!! **

**Disclaimer: Do you think we own it?**

**888**

**Chapter 1: "Do or do not, there is no try" - Yoda**

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away….

Star Wars

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

**Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.**

**Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.**

**While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict….**

"What are we doing here again?" Jedi master Jolee Bindo asked his Padawan Bastila Shan.

"_We," _Bastila sighed irritated, "are here to negotiate in an extremely unstable situation vital to maintaining peace in the Republic!"

"Well fine, I was just asking a simple question. No need to snap at an old man such as me," Jolee pouted.

"Yes, there _is_ a need! You're my Jedi Master; you should be _reprimanding_ me for losing my head, not whining about it like a two-year-old!"

"I am not whining! In my old age, I simply forget things….who are you again?" Jolee smiled testing her.

Bastila was too distraught to catch on.

"I can't do this! If I ever learn which member of the Council assigned me to be your Padawan, I swear on my—no, _your_ life he will wake up with my lightsaber through his skull!"

"Now Bastila, that attitude will turn you to the dark side if you're not careful. All I'm doing is teaching you what you need to know, now meditate on what I have said before we have to leave for this damned meeting," Jolee reprimanded his Padawan.

Bastila pursed her lips, throwing him a venomous glare before stalking off. This was just another case of her forgetting how good of a master Jolee really was, not that that was all her fault. He intentionally tested her this way, acting like a complete buffoon for sometimes days at a time, until she finally lost it. Then he would snap back out of it just long enough to drive home another lesson about controlling her temper, and the whole cycle just kept repeating over and over. It was a wonder that she had lasted this long as his apprentice.

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"Bastila, snap out of it, we're ready," Jolee called and Bastila awoke from her meditative state.

"Coming Master," she replied and followed him off the ship.

-On board the exchange ship-

Davik Kang turned away from the viewscreen as the HK-50 droid came in to his room.

"Statement: Sir, the Ambassadors are here,"

"Show them to the room we prepared for them," Davik ordered before turning back to the viewscreen.

The HK-50 droid nodded and left.

"Tobin! Get in here, our 'guests' have arrived!" Davik barked at his second-in-command.

"Falsely Cheerful Greeting: Hello, Ambassadors. I am HK-50 at your service. The masters will be here shortly. Feel free to wait in here." The droid showed them into a room and the Jedi sat down.

"I don't like this," Bastila sighed.

"What? Just because an assassin droid showed us into an empty room? You're much too untrusting Bastila," Jolee stared at the ceiling in thought.

Bastila just stared at Jolee, incredulous.

"Well yes! He was holding an assault rifle, and there was also the fact that he began with 'falsely cheerful greeting'… What do you think this means?"

"First off, of course it had a blaster, it's an assassin droid and second I think this means we should be prepared instead of arguing…I'm just an innocent old man after all."

"Would you _stop_ using that argument? Master Vandar is hundreds of years older than you, and you never see him acting so… so…" Bastila groaned and Jolee gave her a pointed look.

"I tried to put it nicely Bastila, but shut up."

-Back with Davik-

Tobin watched the security cameras with interest, "What are we planning on doing to them Davik?"

"Joyful response: a mass shooting Masters?"

"No HK-50, something much better," Davik smiled, "Fill the ventilation shafts with dioxis."

The droid looked as put-out as it's possible for him to look without facial expressions.

"Resignation: But I so prefer to be present to hear their tortured screams."

"Feel free to join them," Tobin growled at the droid.

With a laugh that was both evil and giddy, HK rushed out, brandishing his assault rifle.

"The organics shall paaaayyyy…" was the last the two men heard of him as he raced away down the hall.

"Why do we put up with that?" Tobin rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Because he's a useful killer," Davik replied without emotion as he focused on the controls in front of him.

"Now these _ambassadors _shall die." He pushed a button on the panel and dioxis started to leak into the room our Jedi occupied.

Bastila sniffed.

"Do you smell something? Other than yourself and your lack of proper hygiene I mean."

"I'll get back to that insult later but you're right…" Jolee trailed off before standing up so quickly that you would have sworn he wasn't as old as he looked. "Dioxis!" he hissed and grabbed his lightsaber. Bastila grabbed hers too, only suppressing another remark about the Exchange's hospitality because breathing was lethal.

Bastila hurried to the door and tried opening it but it was sealed tight. Jolee pushed past her and cut through it cleanly with his saber only to have his padawan groan in frustration as they spotted destroyer droids heading their way.

"And I thought this mission was going to be dull!" Jolee smiled.

"I should be overjoyed if that ever happened," Bastila retorted, bringing her lightsaber up into a ready stance.

Davik and Tobin stood nervously in front of a hologram of their master Darth Traya.

"This isn't going to work my Lady," Tobin said not daring to look at the hooded figure before him. "We were unaware the ambassadors were Jedi, we don't have the resources to deal with Jedi Knights,"

"It is me you should be worried about," Traya snapped. "Davik!"

"Yes my lady," the crime lord bowed.

"You should choose your allies more wisely," Traya said, "I never want to see this fool again."

"Yes my lady," Davik glared at Tobin who paled and fled off the bridge.

"This turns of events is unfortunate. We must accelerate our plans, Davik. Begin landing your troops."

"Is that legal my lady?" Davik asked not wanting to jeopardize his 'clean' record to the Republic.

"I will make it legal," Traya said coolly.

"And the Jedi?" Davik said with disgust.

"Kill them; I have no use for them,"

"As you wish my Lady," Davik bowed one last time before the hologram disappeared.

In the docking bay, the captain and the pilot of cruiser that had brought our Jedi here looked up suddenly as a gun turret swung in their direction.

"Captain look!"

"Warn the-" before the Captain could finish, the turret fired; destroying the entire cruiser.

Broken droid parts lay scattered across the ship as our Jedi walked calmly to the Bridge door. The poor HK-50 droid lay sliced clean through against the wall, its head sparking as it stuttered, "Dying Statement: Must K-kill Organi-nics."

Davik and Tobin stood before the door, hearing the commotion outside.

"Close the blast doors!" Tobin yelled nervously. The heavy doors slammed shut and Davik paled as a red dot appeared in the middle of it.

"They're still coming through!"

"Impossible!" Tobin screeched, they had definitely underestimated a Jedi's power.

More destroyer droids came around the corner and Jolee sensed them as he continued cutting the door down.

"Destroyer droids!"

"Offhand, I might say this mission is past the negotiation stage," Bastila said with an irritable sigh. "This is all your fault."

"Oh sure, I created and command the droids, so yes it's my fault!"

Bastila perked up at that.

"Are you giving me an excuse to get you in trouble with the Council?"

"It's called sarcasm, Bastila! Now _get rid of those droids!_"

"Fine then," Bastila retorted, unwilling to admit she lost. "I'll handle all the real work while you stand there attempting to open the pitiful little _door_."

Jolee rolled his eyes and pushed more force into his saber. Bastila angled her lightsaber up into a ready stance as the droids assumed their attack positions, taking a deep breath to collect herself. The droids opened fire…

And she watched in confusion as Jolee calmly stepped in front of her, deflecting the hail of blaster bolts right back at the droids. She jumped back, afraid his madly whirling lightsaber was going to impale her.

Less than two seconds later, the destroyers were no more than charred scraps of metal.

Jolee grinned smugly at Bastila before finishing cutting through the blast door.

"What was that you were saying about doing all the real work?"

Bastila grimaced.

"Nothing, Master."

"Come, my foolish Padawan. We have a ship to catch. Maybe down on the planet, we'll be able to figure out what's _really_ going on."

-On Naboo, Queen Talia's Royal Palace-

A hologram of the kindly senator Kreia hovered before Queen Talia's council in the ornate throne room.

"...How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor...his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be the...get...negotiate..."

The hologram sputtered and died away.

"Well that's just maddeningly unhelpful," Captain Trask commented dryly.

"What's happening?" Talia questioned Trask who turned to his sergeant, Batu Rem.

"Check the transmission generators," Trask ordered.

"A malfunction?" Batu shrugged.

"It could be the Federation jamming us. Your Highness," Trask said uncertainly.

"A communications disruption can only mean one thing. Invasion," Batu shuddered.

"Don't jump to conclusions you two," Talia shook her head, "The Federation would not dare got that far."

"The Senate would revoke their trade franchise," Trask nodded, "And they'd be finished."

"We must rely on the powers of negotiation," Talia said calmly and put her hands behind her back.

"Negotiation? We've lost all communications!...and where are the

Chancellors Ambassadors? How can we negotiate? We must prepare to defend

Ourselves!" Batu raved in defense.

"This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army," Trask said gravely.

Talia turned stone-faced to the captain, "I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war."

Meanwhile, three landing craft slowly descended through the cloud cover of the perpetually gray twilight side of the planet. One by one, the Federation warships landed in the eerie swamp.

Bastila's head emerged from the mud of a shallow lake and spotted the ships. She shivered and tried not to think about her situation, she was a Jedi, she could handle a little mud…even if it was unsanitary.

Bastila took several deep breaths, then disappeared again under the muddy swamp.

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We think we'll stop here and let you be the judge of its hilarity.

Please review and tell us if we should continue cuz we're having so much fun writing this and would love to write more. Also tell us if our casting is as perfect as we think it is!

BONUS: Whoever can figure out where Batu Rem is from in the games, gets to pick who will be Jar Jar!!! A hint is, he's from the Sith Lords (the second game).


	2. Chapter 2

**Second chap! You guys actually wanted more, so here it is!!! Thanks for all the interesting suggestions for Jar Jar. Some of you people, who told us who Batu Rem was, forgot to say what they thought of the story! Don't do that to us, we need reviews!**

**Disclaimer: Our combined Jedi powers are still not enough to take over the company…**

**888**

Jolee hated running.

So did the various forms of wildlife that also found themselves running for their lives on what would otherwise have been a lovely morning. Unfortunately for both parties, (because Jolee's whole life is a party, which cancels out the fact that he's only one person) the Trade Federation didn't care. So they ran as Federation ships bore down on the poor still-fleeing victims.

As Jolee's feet concentrated on getting as far away from the ships as possible, his mind took in his surroundings. In the distance ahead of him, there appeared to be a confused Rodian brandishing a stick at the other life forms around it. Jolee's feet kept bringing him closer to the Rodian but he seemed oblivious.

"Move!" Jolee barked, he could feel the ship gaining on him. The Rodian just stared at him. The Jedi master rolled his eyes and leaped at the creature, pushing them both into the mud as the ship cruised over them.

Jolee raised himself out of the mud, cursing the stupid creature that had almost gotten them crushed.

The Rodian, on the other hand, was already on his feet, whipping from side to side and brandishing his now broken stick like a rifle.

"That fun! Boom! Splat!" it chattered excitedly.

"Yeah, loads of fun," Jolee grimaced, walking away from the Rodian…who of course, started to follow him. Jolee knew he was starting to develop a tick in his brain.

"My name Twitch! I your humble bodyguard! Protect you from baddies I will! Boom!" he swung the stick wildly, as if that showed off his "expert" fighting skills.

Jolee sighed, "I think I can take care of myself, thanks," he tried once again to get Twitch off his tail but the Rodian persisted.

"But there's many baddies around!" Twitch made a sound like a laser just as a real one sounded in the distance and Bastila came running out of the swamp with STAPs chasing her.

Jolee rolled his eyes yet again and pulled out his saber to go help his Padawan.

"I can't leave you alone for five minutes can I?" he yelled to her and Bastila glared.

"I would be happy to take care of them, but the water fried my lightsaber. So could you just help me out here for once?"

Jolee smiled mentally, sometimes he actually liked his Padawan. The STAPs fired and Jolee easily deflected the bolts back at the droids and they in turn blew up.

The Jedi Master took the fried saber from Bastila and scowled, "Remember to turn off the power next time." Bastila nodded bashfully.

"It'll be easy to fix, once we get outta this place…"

Bastila nodded and looked past her Master, finally noticing the Rodian.

"Who's this?"

"A local," Jolee said, still inspecting the lightsaber as he began walking.

"I'm Twitch! You save me again! My hero! Zap zap! Kaboom!" Bastila's eyes narrowed in annoyance and she had only known the creature for barely a minute.

"So, we're going to have to find a way to Theed without being noticed by these Federation ships?" Bastila asked Jolee, deciding to completely ignore the new arrival.

"No, we _want_ to be discovered and captured by those cretins. Of course! What did you think?" Jolee rolled his eyes, "Do you have any ideas for getting past them? Because other than a huge impenetrable cloaking device which we _don't_ have, I'm out."

Bastila eyed the Rodian in a way that wasn't very nice.

"Well, if we weren't Jedi, and didn't believe it was wrong to sacrifice innocents, I would suggest sending him in to draw their fire. But as it is… No. I don't have any ideas either."

"I can help! Twitch help good! Yeah!" the Rodian chattered and Bastila looked ready to hit him but Jolee stopped his Padawan from inflicting pain on the strange yet maybe helpful creature.

"How can you help?" Jolee raised an eyebrow.

"We can go to Twira Oryo! My home! It's safe!" Twitch said proudly.

"Your home? And where is that?" Bastila asked, curious despite herself.

"It's hidden! An underground cave city!"

"Hidden is a good thing. Can you take us there?" Jolee asked the Rodian and Twitch seemed to consider this although he wasn't very good at it.

"Um…yes? Didn't Twitch just say that?"

Bastila shook her head and Jolee gave a small chuckle, maybe this creature wasn't as stupid as he seemed.

"Alright, take us to Twira Oryo then before more ships show up." Twitch instantly stiffened at the thought of more ships and then his tube-like mouth gave a smile and he started walking off, making ship and laser noises…maybe that smart comment wasn't quite on the mark.

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"But Uncle Owen! I wanted to go to Toshi station to pick up some power converters!" –Luke, A New Hope

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Finally, after what seemed like hours of hacking through the forest, Twitch led the two Jedi to a mossy opening in a rock face.

"See? See? Pretty Twira Oryo!" Twitch declared proudly, pointing into the dingy cave.

"Yeah, sure it's beautiful. Let's get moving!" Jolee barked and pulled a twig out of his ear, pushing past the Rodian into the cavern.

Bastila ignited her lightsaber for the meager amount of light it gave off, and narrowly avoided impaling herself on the second blade, quickly following her master before he noticed.

Instantly, Rodians surrounded the Jedi with shock-spears.

"What you doing in our city?" the one at the front asked.

"It's okay brothers!" Twitch entered the cave, swinging his arms.

The group of Rodians surrounding the Jedi seemed to grow pale at the sight of Twitch reentering their city.

"Why did you bring these outsiders here Twitch?" the leader asked nervously, afraid of what Twitch might destroy this time.

"They need to get to Theed and avoid the baddies out there! Boom!" Twitch jabbered excitedly.

The leader turned to Jolee, hiding his mouth behind his hand, whispering urgently almost pleadingly to the Jedi Master, "If we give you safe passage out of here, please promise to take Twitch with you!"

Bastila, however, overheard, and looked like she would rather go without "safe passage" than spend another five minutes in the company of the Rodian.

"Master-" Bastila started but Jolee cut her off.

"If you want to fight droids on the surface and force your way into Theed, be my guest but Twitch and I will be taking whatever path these fine soldiers give us," Jolee said, smiling happily at his Padawan.

Bastila bristled at the way he was already saying "Twitch and I" after knowing the crazed alien for only a few hours. After all—and she couldn't believe she was thinking this—_she_ was his Padawan.

"Fine, _Twitch _may accompany us," she sighed in defeat and seemed to shudder as she let the name of the Rodian pass her lips.

The Rodian soldiers let down their spears as looks of concealed joy spread across their faces.

"This way to the tunnel to the capital," the leader said waving his arm for the Jedi to follow him.

Jolee smiled at Bastila, "See? No confrontation and all it took was a few more hours in Twitch's company. Maybe we can leave him once we get to Theed…"

* * *

Bastila put her face in her hand as she leaned against the wall of the Queen's transport that was currently en route to Coruscant. _Twitch_ was still with them even after meeting Queen Talia, heading to her personal ship and fighting their way through the Federation blockade.

Twitch was actually sitting right next to her, jabbering away about the many delectable ways he liked to eat all varieties of slugs. Every so often, the Jedi banged her head against the wall, trying to kill the brain cells that made her ears function.

She wished she could be with her Master instead of babysitting this insufferable annoyance but Jolee was filling in Queen Talia on all he had found out about the Federation's plans for Naboo…

"Our ship never would have made it through the blockade if it wasn't for this utility droid," one of the Queen's pilots said pointing to the little droid next to him.

"What is its number?" Talia asked interestedly.

The pilot reached forward to clean some grime off the droid's hull, "T3-M4, your Majesty."

"Thank you Carth, I want this droid cleaned. He deserves our gratitude."

Carth nodded and walked out with the droid rolling behind him, beeping happily.

"That boy seems too young to be a pilot," Jolee commented in surprise, Carth couldn't be more than 16 and he was already like the Queen's right-hand man (in pilot terms at least.)

"Carth was at the top of his class at the academy and has proved himself loyal time and time again," Talia said, proud of her young protégé.

Jolee nodded and was about to say something when the lead pilot cleared his throat.

"Excuse me, your Majesty, we've just finished with our scan of the ship and our hyper drive is damaged. We cannot make it to Coruscant without getting it repaired," Trask said nervously.

"Well, are there any nearby systems where we can land and get repairs?" Talia inquired.

"The nearest planet is Tatooine, a desert planet, with few large cities, the largest being Anchorhead," Trask replied, checking his data.

"Sounds perfect," Jolee said. "The Federation will never think to look for the Queen there."

"Alright, then we set course for Tatooine and Anchorhead," the Queen nodded her permission and the pilots set to work.

Jolee bowed, "I must go inform my Padawan of our plans," he said and walked out to find his distraught apprentice.

**Meanwhile, on the Federation ship-**

"We control almost all the cities in the northern part of the planet," Davik said to the hologram of Darth Traya.

"And has Queen Talia signed the treaty?" the Sith lord asked with a razor-sharp edge to her voice that demanded respect.

"She has disappeared my Lady," Davik said, shutting his eyes as if that would help save his life from the dark lord's wrath. "One republic cruiser got away."

"Kang, you must find her. I want that treaty signed," Traya said forcefully yet calmly.

"My Lady, it's impossible to locate her ship, it's out of our range," Tobin piped up unhelpfully.

"…Not for a Sith…" Traya gave a small smile as a cloaked figure appeared behind her. "Kang, this is my apprentice, Darth Juhani, she will find your lost ship."

"Yes, my Lady," Davik said as the hologram faded before he began to glare a hole in the table he sat at. "This is getting out of hand! Now there are two of them!"

"I wonder what will happen when the Jedi become aware of them also," Tobin muttered.

* * *

"Ooo! It is very bright! Burn burn!" Twitch yelped as sunlight hit his eyes when he stepped off the ship with T3.

"Yes, it's called the _sun_," Jolee said irritably, coming down the loading ramp in farmer's garb. "I hate these clothes!" he cursed to himself as Bastila came down behind him.

"So I am staying behind?" Bastila asked trying to hide her disappointment that she was stuck on the ship but also happy that Twitch would be annoying her Master instead of her.

"Yes, and do not let them make any transmissions, we need to keep hidden," Jolee told his apprentice.

"Good luck Master," Bastila said and Jolee could've sworn he saw a smile on her face but it was gone when he took a closer look.

Jolee shook his head and urged the Rodian and droid to follow him to the distant Anchorhead.

"Wait!" Trask called after the Jedi Master and the "old man" turned warily, instantly noticing the young pilot named Carth following the captain.

"The Queen wants you to take along Onasi, she's curious about the planet."

"Alright, but no more orders from her Highness today, this spaceport will not be as easy as it seems," Jolee said and gave Carth a thoughtful look. He looked much younger in his peasant clothes.

Trask nodded, wishing them luck and headed back to the ship. Carth looked up at Jolee with a slight blush.

"I hope I won't be a burden," the boy muttered.

"No, a farmer coming to a port with a kid will give us more cover," Jolee said and continued on to Anchorhead. Carth tried not to look insulted at being called a _kid _and followed the Jedi through the glaring sunlight.

"Ooo! Look at all a this stuff!" Twitch cooed over broken parts of the many dealers that now surrounded the stranded travelers.

"Just don't break anything!" Jolee hissed at the Rodian as he tried to find a shop that would have what they need.

"How about that one over there?" Carth called, pointing to one of the smaller ones. It looked cleaner than most.

"Sure, why not," Jolee said, and the group picked their way across the street.

The group was instantly met with a scowling face that brightened when it realized they were potential customers.

The woman wiped her smudged face on a cloth, revealing a band of purple diamond tattoos on her forehead, "Hello, I'm Jana Lorso, how may I help you?"

"We need parts for a Nubian," Jolee said, holding up a hologram of the ship.

"Ah yes, I have those type of parts, what do you need?"

"My droid has the list of parts," Jolee said offhandedly.

Jana nodded, "Excuse me," the woman walked to the back of the shop and peered outside, "Girl, I need you to watch the shop while I go out back with some customers."

"Alright, I'm coming! I was just cleaning the droids like you asked me to!" a dirt-covered girl stumbled into the shop, her dark hair tossed in a short messy ponytail.

Jana turned back to Jolee, "If you would follow me out back," she walked away and Jolee and T3 followed.

Carth looked around the shop and eyed Twitch warily as the Rodian poked around at different objects. He shuddered as a pile of neatly stacked parts went crashing to the ground when Twitch "accidentally" touched them.

"You're a jumpy guy aren't you?" the girl said from where she sat on the counter, watching the cute pilot with interest.

"Excuse me?" Carth looked at her, eyebrows raised.

"You haven't stopped moving since you got in here," the girl smiled, eyeing his fingers that were moving at his side as he stood awkwardly in the middle of the small shop.

"You're pretty observant," Carth said, returning the smile, the girl's being somehow infectious. "But it's just that I've never been here before and it's all so new."

The girl gave Carth a weird look, "I've been on Tatooine since I was three when me and my mom got sold to Zax the Hutt, but he lost us to Jana betting on the swoop races. I think Zax was a better master, even with the smell. At least he wasn't as creepy as Jana is."

Carth turned to look at the girl fully, with wide eyes, "Y-you're a slave?" he asked incredulously.

"No, I'm a human just like you, you nerf-herder!" the girl glared with a slight grin, "And you can call me Revan!"

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Ta-da! There's the end of our wondrous second chapter! I hope it was worth the long wait. Just consider yourselves lucky you didn't have it as bad as Bastila on that ship…

Thank you for reading and we would really appreciate reviews! Advice, criticism, praise, whatever you throw at us, we'll take!

Thank you again and see you next chapter (if we ever get around to writing it…)

Whirlwind and Mithostwen


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